Choke on a Coke

Dear Coca-Cola,

Who do you think you are? My nan and pop are deceased, that's right, dead. From type two diabetes. She made abidance with your 3.7 litre a day recommendation from your hydration calculator - all of it Coke.  So when you produce a bottle with "share a coke with nan" on it, think about the distress it would cause to exhume my grandparents just to give them a high calorie caffeinated hit. I would need to pay the cemetery as well as the funeral parlor for a second burial. Further more, I hate my boss. Why would I want to buy him a coke? Also, you have made a very tatty attempt at addressing Australia's minority groups with names such as Wen and Aarav, when there is a thriving ethnic community in Australia. You might want to look at a list of common names, such as Cho, which means beautiful in Korean in case you didn't know.

Where do you get off? What gave you the idea that men in Australia would like to wrap their lips around "Scott" or "Patrick", and suck them dry? Or that Australia's women would like to do the same with "Erin" or "Jess"? Your wild assumptions about the nonchalant approach Australian's take towards their sexuality is affronting to this great society we've worked so hard to build. In one fell swoop you've made us an island of flaming queens fueled by Coke: the oil of the capitalist machine; and we don't appreciate it. The only way I envisage you being able to repair such a devastating attack on this great nation is to return to including cocaine in your formula. (Although your old formula with 9 milligrams per glass seems a little low for a beverage sold after everyone got so used to it in the 80s, so if you could ramp it up that would be swell.)

Regards
Viceroy Dagnels

RESPONSE:

Dear Viceroy,

Thank you for your recent email regarding the new "Share a COKE" promotion.

We regret to hear you've had an unsatisfactory experience with this year's summer campaign. We appreciate the time you've taken to write us and provide feedback, which we will definitely provide to the appropriate people and surely take into account in future programs.  This campaign was to encourage sharing your good times with old and new, friends and family, and has been crafted to provide consumers with multiple levels of connectivity.  We apologise if we offended or disappointed you. I can assure you that this certainly was not our intention.

We greatly appreciate the feedback you've provided and for being a fan of Coca-Cola.

Should you have any further enquiries relating to this promotion, please do not hesitate to email us at consumer_information@ccamatil.com or you may call us on 1800 025 123.


Kind regards,

XXXXXXXX
CONSUMER AFFAIRS TEAM

S & W Mayonnrage

 To whom it may concern.

I am writing this letter in regards to the Mayonnaise branch of your corporation. It has come to my attention that I can no longer tolerate dry foods. What could once be consumed with ease, now resembles that of dragging a canoe down a dry river bed. I have discovered a clear correlation between my ever increasing intake of your product and my inability to consume dry foods. I believe this to be a major concern and hope you take this letter into serious consideration.

 

Many would say that mayonnaise was one of the most prominent discoveries of the 1800’s.  Gone are the days in which people could happily consume bread on its lonesome. In present times the idea of constructing a sandwich without some form of lubrication is preposterous, like attempting to pilot a truck with no power steering fluid, or substituting water for rocks in a water slide. I find it distressing to be compelled to purchase a full jar of mayonnaise for a mere snack size homemade sandwich. I believe this to be the same profiteering design as selling a table without chairs.

We, the people, will no longer tolerate this design, and demand that mayonnaise be given back to the people. I believe that an essential commodity such as mayonnaise should not be solely manufactured and distributed by private corporations with their own best interests in mind. Whole Egg Mayonnaise should be heavily regulated by the government or another publicly elected body, controlling the production, even the distribution and price of the product.

Believe me when I say that I have not constructed this letter as threat, but as a warning. There will come a time when S&W Mayonnaise will have to make a decision, to hide behind the corrupt capitalist system, or to yield to the mayonnaise crusade. Will the rivers have to run red before they run white?

Regards,

L.T. Special Sauce

M & M' s

Dear management,

I am writing to bring to light several concerns regarding your m & m characters. I grew up to these abhorrent creatures scaring me as a child. The red m & m embodies all the pessimism that I try to shake off on a daily basis. I spend a lot of time indulging in and trying to stay upbeat, but it is difficult when confronted with this loathsome bitter man/chocolate orb. The yellow m & m seems to be developmentally challenged which you might think is amusing, but for such outwardly sweet treats, there is something very dark, sinister and unsavory within. 

The introduction of the new leggy green female m & m is a thick chocolaty spit in the face of feminism. In reference to second wave feminism, pioneered in the sixties, why should she have to wear eye makeup for the male m & m's? And why cant she wear comfortable flats rather than high-heels? Also, just how do these m & m's reproduce and is the green one like the tart "smurfette"?

Also, I would like some more clarity in regards to your shady side operation "Symbioscience", could you please clear up any confusion over just what this knavish branch does?

Regards,

Lord THOMAS

Dare Iced Coffee

Beverage or laxative?

Dear Lion,

I am writing this letter in regards to your product .

I would like to formally thank you for providing me, and the people of Australia a solution to both Fatigue, and constipation, both of which have taken quite a toll on my social life and occupation. Dare has revolutionized the human method of waste disposal, what was once a very stressful and time consuming practice, has been transformed into a gentle, reliable and consistently flowing river of delight.

However, i would like to raise some general concerns i have with your product. After months of consuming dare on a daily basis, i am becoming aware of an ever-growing emotional attachment Ive developed for the toilet. I'm becoming increasing isolated and detached from the outside world. Out there, i'm just a man, but in here, i am a King, perched on top of my porcelain throne, ready to wage war on whatever beast i had consumed that day. I am beginning to notice a very distinct similarity between and mind altering drugs. The altered mental state, the anxiety, the cravings and the social detachment are all clear side effects that one would usually associate with drug use.

I believe that the Stockholm affect that Dare has on its consumer to be dangerous to young adults like myself. Over the past year, i have developed an infatuation with your product, a deep love rendering me incapable of participating in everyday practices without a healthy flow of milk. I am prisoner, and dare is my captor.

In light of these issues, i believe it to be necessary that Dare contain comprehensive warning labels on the bottles, clearly outlining the physical and physiologic effects the product has on its consumers. I believe this to be a requirement, to prevent further cases of addiction.

My daily intake of Dare has clearly resulted in a number of issues,weight gain, anxiety and many more. As compensation, i ask that you deliver a pallet of Dare Iced coffee to the address listed above to avoid any further action.

In conclusion, i ask you to carefully consider the issues i have raised today.

From the bottom of my bowels,

L.T. Special Sauce