To whom it may concern.
I am writing this letter in regards to the Mayonnaise branch of your corporation. It has come to my attention that I can no longer tolerate dry foods. What could once be consumed with ease, now resembles that of dragging a canoe down a dry river bed. I have discovered a clear correlation between my ever increasing intake of your product and my inability to consume dry foods. I believe this to be a major concern and hope you take this letter into serious consideration.
Many would say that mayonnaise was one of the most prominent discoveries of the 1800’s. Gone are the days in which people could happily consume bread on its lonesome. In present times the idea of constructing a sandwich without some form of lubrication is preposterous, like attempting to pilot a truck with no power steering fluid, or substituting water for rocks in a water slide. I find it distressing to be compelled to purchase a full jar of mayonnaise for a mere snack size homemade sandwich. I believe this to be the same profiteering design as selling a table without chairs.
We, the people, will no longer tolerate this design, and demand that mayonnaise be given back to the people. I believe that an essential commodity such as mayonnaise should not be solely manufactured and distributed by private corporations with their own best interests in mind. Whole Egg Mayonnaise should be heavily regulated by the government or another publicly elected body, controlling the production, even the distribution and price of the product.
Believe me when I say that I have not constructed this letter as threat, but as a warning. There will come a time when S&W Mayonnaise will have to make a decision, to hide behind the corrupt capitalist system, or to yield to the mayonnaise crusade. Will the rivers have to run red before they run white?
Regards,
L.T. Special Sauce
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